Every so often, I think about the fairness of our relationship.
It’s in the context of my chronic health crap and how I hate that PiC has to pick up my slack. It’s also in the context of considering whether the overall load is properly balanced.
Socially, the weight is typically heavier on the women’s side for what we call “emotional labor”. That’d be the scutwork of making life smooth, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
As head of my nuclear family’s household, the division of labor was the breadwinner (me) did all the money stuff, and the non-breadwinners (not me) did all the housework. This wasn’t a mutual agreement, it’s what the non-breadwinners were comfortable with. But the part I wasn’t comfortable with was picking up after everybody when they made mistakes and couldn’t figure their way out.
In our own small family, it’s different. Our roles and contributions change depending on the day and the need. The often unnoticed work of keeping things clean, making adjustments to schedules to accommodate other needs, making the schedules themselves, and all that, belongs to both of us because we make it known. We make it noticed.
As the family financier, much of my contributions are nearly invisible in our day to day lives, but that doesn’t mean it’s without value. It’s of tremendous value and we’ll both benefit from it in years to come. This valuation doesn’t just magically happen. PiC doesn’t just read my mind and go “Ah! You’ve scored a coup for us in ten years with that move!” That would be weird. But I tell him. I say out loud (this is the key part, saying it OUT LOUD) that I’ve been working on our estate plan, or the questions with the lawyer, or the mortgage refinance. He gets mini updates and that helps him understand that I’m not just staring at hilarious Hulk gifs online all day. I could.
It’s easy to declare that I am not automatically the family secretary, maid, or nurse but these chores and labors are not static assignments, and so it’s important to pay attention to the shifts lest either partner find themselves burdened with the lion’s share of the work permanently. Believe you me, that breeds a world of resentment, snarling, and imagined payback. That’s not one of our best looks.
Scheduling
We share a calendar that we’re both responsible for adding things to. That’s not in the “if the world were perfect he would add them” kind of way. If PiC tells me something is happening on such and such a date, then I can reasonably expect that 75% of the time he’ll also have added it to the calendar. He can reasonably expect the same success rate from me.
I avoid being our social secretary by not being social and we observe a loose “to each their own” rule. If they’re his friends, he takes care of “just because” or birthday gifts. My friends, my responsibility. Same with family. He doesn’t worry about how we’ll do Father’s Day and I don’t worry about how we’ll do Mother’s Day. If I say we’re doing a thing, then he’s guided by my preference. If he wants to do a thing, then I work with that. His siblings are not my job, like my sibling is not his. This isn’t to say that we see each others’ families as chores, we simply don’t make them the other person’s emotional work. I don’t take it upon myself to worry over this person’s birthday, or that person’s anniversaries because most birthdays and anniversaries are not a thing I care deeply about. He cares, so he pays attention. He’ll remind me to send a text to whomever is having a birthday, whether it’s my side or his, because he gets alerts and I don’t.
In over ten years of our relationship, he has planned for every single special occasion celebration. Every single one. Even if it’s not something that I personally find important to do, I do cherish his effort and his love in doing so.
Socially, the weight is typically heavier on the women’s side for what we call “emotional labor” or…
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Nursemaiding & Parenting
He does 99% of daycare duty which means he has to come home when LB is sick. We take turns with being point parent. If his deadlines are pressing, he goes back to work. If mine are, he takes hir while I work.
He takes every morning shift, matter how painfully early, no matter how tired he is. I don’t sleep well so middle of the night wake ups are mine. He may still insists on coming to check on hir with me if it takes more than a few minutes. Then even Seamus comes to check on everyone! Baths and bedtime used to be his job when I was home alone all day with hir. Now we switch off so he can hit the gym some nights.
If we were to keep tabs, it’s really close to 50%.
Cleaning House
He likes a house to be clean. I like a house to be tidy. Therefore, I pick up those loose things that inevitably clutter and sweep up with my adorable new broom and dustpan. He wipes down the stove, scrubs the toilets, beats the rugs. We split things like vacuuming and dishes.
Highlight: PiC’s always cleaned the toilets in all the years we’ve lived together. This isn’t my favorite thing about him but it’s on the list.
Money, money, money!
I happily (ferociously possessively) take care of our bills, investing, real estate, savings, and taxes. He does a few bills and Craigslist sales and gets periodic update on the Financial State of the Union. I also do most of the household needs ordering from my Amazon account because I work the rewards systems for gift cards.
We each bring home a good income. I still feel pressure to keep making more because it’s my family that’s costing us a significant amount of money every year. He doesn’t look at it that way but I do. So, even though we have nearly equal incomes, I’m always 40% more concerned about stretching every dollar and saving every ten. He’s gotten pretty good at saving too.
Guest Haus
We host together. If we have friends or family staying over, we menu plan together. He’ll do the grocery shopping, and I’ll do the cooking. He’ll clean the guest room while I launder the bedding.
Everybody’s gotta eat
I am Chef, I do most of the “big” cooking: whole meals, more complicated entrees from scratch, new recipes. He is Sous Chef and reigns over all the reheating of leftovers and filling in the blanks with a vegetable or making sandwiches and soup.
He makes the grocery lists and we shop together unless I’m down for the count. It’s our family thing.
Maybe the funny thing about this is Dad doesn’t know (see above, about old household) so he cracks jokes about how we must starve if we rely on my cooking and PiC gets really confused.
On the road again
Travel planning is my domain because my heart would bleed to find that we overpaid or failed to maximize points or miles. He does some of the research and weighs in on details.
Four-leggers
All pet health stuff is my area of expertise so I take point on decision making and manage all the medication ordering. PiC takes Seamus to the vet as often as I do, and we split walking duties.
::We don’t demand perfection from our relationships, but we are conscientious about being considerate of one another. How do you create balance in your lives, and recalibrate when needed?